My dad died on 06.11.07

I'm in Korea with my family right now. As the title said, my dad died on june 11th. suddenly. I am doing much better now that the funeral and other things are done. By the grace of God, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, physically I am doing much better now. But I guess I am not 100% healed yet. I feel like i am still somewhat annoyed and less sensitive toward other people. I pray that God will heal my heart quickly and make it ever more strong to embrace more people than before, but for now, at least while i am writing this, i'm not gonna worry about making sense or grammar, whatever...... im just gonna write about what i want to talk about. there are things that happened that i don't understand. i guess i don't need to know everything.

how do i feel now? hmm... i still believe in God. I believe that He is a Good God. And I pray that my dad is in heaven with Jesus. It might be too late for me to pray about that now, but it won't hurt, right? i don't know. I still love Jesus, and He saved me out of darkness. I pray to the Holy Spirit that He will guide me to follow God's will for my life and to guide my family also. so, what changed? a lot of things. I think i changed a bit. i don't have a lot of friends in korea, and currently i do not have a job, so i am very inactive, and that makes me feel a little useless and less joyful. i have been laughing so little. i miss laughing and being happy. i am happy here too, since i am with the rest of my family. but it's different. i've learned the importance of fellowship.

i went to jubilee church today, and it was great. the pastor and other leaders seemed so passionate, and i miss that. i used to be energetic about different ministries. i can still pray for them. i should. i do a little bit. hm...

If anyone still reads my xanga, i really sincerely pray that you will personally meet who this Jesus I am talking about. when i heard that my dad died, i was traumatized. he was only 45 years old. i don't need to explain how i was sad, right? it's still sad and weird, but i believe that life came from God, and we will all one day return to either Him or be eternally separated from Him, according to the choice we make here on earth, a choice to believe that Jesus, who is God,  died for our sins and rose again, and that whoever believes in Him will receive a gift of eternal life with Him in heaven. im tired. i want to explain more about the gospel, but that's the gist of it. if you want to talk about this more, i want to meet up with you one-on-one and talk. i want to tell  you about my testimonies and just hear what you think about it. Just because I have experienced a death of a family member doesn't make me a totally innocent and righteous person. I still sin and I am still wrong many times. You don't have to agree with me about everything to comfort me. If i have changed, it is that i think one person's soul, one person's life, that one person is very important.  Honestly, my dad was not loved by many people on earth. I am very thankful and lucky to have so many people loving me. it doesn't matter who you are, what you do, how you look like, how people think of you, or how you view life or yourself or whatever, God still made you fearfully and wonderfully, and your life matters so much to Him. I might just walk pass by you, I might be a hypocrite here and there, I might not keep my promises, and I might disappoint you so badly. But, that doesn't lessen God's love toward You in anyway. God's love for you is unconditional. He made you, and He loves you so much. I imagine God just longing and waiting for you to see Him and hear Him. I know that you can't see Him nor hear Him. I can't either. But when you give it a chance, you experience the power of the Holy Spirit and get to know and love this God. Try it. Don't you think it will be kind of exciting to pray and actually have God answer you? God answers me, and it's really amazing. I wish I can explain how this works, but i think it will be best for you to try it yourself. why not? let me know if you have a reason why you don't want to try this. you might have a very good reason, and if you want to, let's talk about it.

I am tired. I can't smile and laugh like i used to. i get quiet and tired so easily. i long for a day when i will be perfectly healed. i am going back to md in august. i was thinking about staying in korea for a year, but i think i will go back and finish school first, since i have one semester left.

hmmm.... there is time for everything. people forget things over time. and somethings stay so vividly in people's memories.

Life goes on. for other people. mine is not done yet. you are still living too. don't just ignore the prayers that you might need to pray about other people. they might be gone one day and you can't do anything about that person all of a sudden. time over. what happened? i don't know. Don't lose your chance.

There are verses that many people sent me through email. I have been memorizing them. They are great.

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 "May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word."

Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Hebrews 4:16 "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

My sincere gratitude goes out to those who have been praying for me and my family. Thank you. :) 

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong."   Ecclesiastes 5:1

I really need to be soaked in this verse.  :)

I'M BACK!!! Thats right!! I AM BACK!! PUHAHA MUHAHA!!

Yeah this is Jay. The one who goes into Jane nuna's xanger and updates it anonymously.

SO today the sun is shining and the weather is B-E-A-U-TIFUL!!

For todays updates I will discuss the concept of Jane nuna's jokes. Yes they are "pretty" funny and 99.99% of the time she laughs about her own jokes as she tells them. But I must say, for a girl like her, she pulls it off pretty well.

TO JANE NUNA: nuna i really enjoyed the KCM FAMILY NIGHT. The praise was great and the worship was celestial and to end it, the FOOD~!! MMmmMMM~!!! Thanks for the invite. Oh and the sermon was really good. Didn't really think of John 3:16 that deeply, but yes, when I have a kid of my own, I guess I'll experience the internal feelings to see if I could sacrifice my child.

TO THE WORLD: Jane nuna NAMES EVERYTHING!!! Kinda scary. She has a little beaver/bear I dont even know what it is. But its name is Colin Pharell(?) and she has a monkey with a purse on its back named Brad Pitt. Her cell phone is Won Bin (EWW~!!) and the car is Tom Cruise. And she has this lil dude in the car, I have no idea what it is but its name is Paul Walker. HAHAHHA~!! U kno what these names represent? Her FANTASY NAHM JAZ~!!

To end this entry as always, we must portray Jane nuna's BEAUTIFUL-SELF at best:

LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE AH GGA SHI~ sucking on her loli-pop. Jannifer looks SOOOOO HIGH!!!~

God Bless to ALL~!! MWAH~!!!

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
       and beheld your power and your glory.

 3 Because your love is better than life,
       my lips will glorify you.

 4 I will praise you as long as I live,
       and in your name I will lift up my hands.

 5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
       with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

 6 On my bed I remember you;
       I think of you through the watches of the night.

 7 Because you are my help,
       I sing in the shadow of your wings.

 8 My soul clings to you;
       your right hand upholds me.

 9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
       they will go down to the depths of the earth.

 10 They will be given over to the sword
       and become food for jackals.

 11 But the king will rejoice in God;
       all who swear by God's name will praise him,
       while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

For my Asian American Literature class, I was asked to write a memoir. So, I wrote it, and I thought I would post it here. This would be a part of my memoir, because 250-300 words to capture my life was impossible.

Jane Kim

ENGL 233

2/15/06

            If I am surrounded by lots of people, laughing and jumping up and down, you would think that I am happy and carefree with worries. That¡¯s how I thought I would be. But when someone asked me how I was doing, I casually said that I am not doing well because my dad is close to death. I said it casually because I have been saying that all week, and after all, my dad is an alcoholic. He has been drinking seriously for the last ten years, at least. He has been sent to the emergency room, at least twice, after drinking and losing his consciousness in the past couple of years. Was it a shock to hear that my dad is losing a lot of weight quickly? Not really. It was definitely not pleasing to the ears, but I guess I kind of expected something like this to happen sometime in my life. I am not trying to be pessimistic, but I can¡¯t help but feel so tired and ¡¦ blank. I can¡¯t think. I don¡¯t know what I am feeling. I am not that cold-hearted. Of course, when I first heard the news, I was crying my heart out and screaming in my car until I couldn¡¯t make a sound. But I can do that for only so long, you know¡¦

            I love my dad. I have lived with him until I was twelve, because that¡¯s when his business bankrupted and I was sent to live with relatives. That was okay. I don¡¯t blame him for not taking care of me all the way until I graduated from high school. He is a human being, and none of us are perfect, so that¡¯s understandable. Although he is an alcoholic and brought lots of pain to my mom and to the family, that¡¯s okay too. He made some wrong choices in the beginning, and now he can¡¯t control himself. Alcoholism is a disease. I wrote a research paper on that last semester for an English class. So, I understand. I love my dad regardless of what he is doing now. Who knows¡¦? He could be drinking right now.

            My dad lives in Korea, and here I am in America. I visit my family once every four years. But this summer, I am going to try to go to Korea and see him face to face. What do you think I would do? I don¡¯t know what I will really end up doing with him, but at least for now, I wish I could go hold his hands and pray for him. I want him to actually hear me pray for him. I don¡¯t call him every week, and I don¡¯t write letters to him anymore. I know that I have been just busy with my own life for so long, and I don¡¯t know what my dad is going through right now. ¡®But, but, but, I have been praying for you all along. And I know that God, my perfect Father, hears me.¡¯

yea, so that's what I wrote. I hope it's not too depressing for my readers. I am sad, yes. I was traumatized when I first heard the news. I was not okay. But now I am kinda okay. At least I am trying to... I am now calm about this issue, at least for now, but it's not because I have given up hope on my dad. It's because I have learned over the couple of weeks, that sometimes I need to pray and wait patiently, with expectations. God created the heavens and the earth and me and my dad. God can raise the dead to life and save a sinner. And I believe that God will not just ignore my prayers. I want to start calling my mom and dad more often. Yea, I should really do that.  

If you would, please, pray for my dad that he will humble himself before God and seek Him and find Him. Thank you.